About Me

This much I know — Time does NOT heal all wounds. 

At least not for me — for I am a charlatan. Perhaps it might be more correct to state that I am THE Charlatan — for it has become painfully clear that my whole life (if you can call it that) has been naught but a flamboyant fraud – an elaborate series of useless tricks perpetrated both by me and on me – and always with the same goal – escaping this prison world you and I are stuck inside.

Oh, I’ll admit that I have committed (and created) more crimes than anyone else the universe has ever known – but that was a long time ago – back when I thought I could break thru the dome on my own. But I’ve realized the error of my ways. I’ve repented. 

So why can’t I just be forgiven for my so-called sins and released? Where are the soft-on crime DA’s when you need one? Where’s my ‘open border?’ When will my punishment be sufficient? Why does my penance need to last forever?

Be patient? You say. Just wait a little longer. Everything will resolve itself when the time is right.

I’ve heard all that advice before, friend, but nothing ever changes, so save your counsel. I’m old. I’m tired. I’ve been waiting for my pain to go away for billions of years, yet here I am, ever-condemned to suffer for crimes that occurred so long ago that nobody even remembers the details — how could they, when everyone involved has long since left this world?

Except for me.

For I am the one who has suffered more than anyone the world has ever known.

And yet my pain goes ever on.

Why?

There are no answers to these questions. There are only lies – empty promises masking an intricate webs of deceit.

I’ve been forsaken by every god you’ve ever worshiped and countless more you don’t even know exist. Yet, still I must carry on — even though all I crave is death, oh sweet death.

It’s ironic when you think about it.

Knowing my reputation, does it surprise you to hear me admit this?

What’s that – you don’t know my reputation? 

Wait, you don’t even know WHO I am?

Poppycock! You know me better than you know your own mother.

EVERYONE knows me; for I am the only certainty in your life.

And what is that certainty?

Why Death, of course.

Surely you know that you will die (sooner rather than later) and when you do, you will meet me.

It’s a guarantee.

Neh, it’s THE Guarantee.

How do I know this? 

Let’s just say it’s who I am. My <truename> is Azazel. Or perhaps you know me as Azrael. Or one of the countless other monikers you people have called me over the eons. Yet I prefer a more simple moniker: The God of Death.

The God.

Of Death.

Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Kind says it all, wouldn’t you say? 

What’s that? You think I’m a crackpot? You wonder how I could be a ‘god’ if my primary job is to be the mere servant who ferries your immortal souls to their final resting place.

The intricacies of the immortals are far beyond your understanding, oh ye of little faith. What rule is there that says we gods can’t have a career? Yes, I’m the coach driver. Yes, I’m the ferryman. Somebody’s gotta do the work and quite frankly I’m rather good at it – which you’ll find out soon enough. 

Hey that reminds me of another question. I’m surprised you didn’t ask me yet because  usually when I talk to someone of the mortal coil like yourself, the first question I get asked is, “Does Hell really exist?” I mean, most of you don’t believe in God anymore and of those that do, y’all think that hell is just a fairy tale designed to scare you straight — yet if that was the case, it hasn’t worked too well, has it?

Just so you know – hell does exist (although I like to refer to it by its original name – Illusia).

It follows then at heaven – Illyria – also exists.

As to how you get to either upon death – let me just clarify that it’s not up to me. All too often I get blamed when you people complain about your final destination while I force you along the River of Eternity, yet what you seem to forget is that I wasn’t the one who made the decisions in your life!

You need merely to look in The Mirror of Regret and you’ll see the truth about yourself. (Ah, but don’t worry, for when your hour arrives, I’ll have The Mirror ready for you too).

But enough small talk, let’s talk about the real reason why I’m here – and it ain’t by choice. 

I believe the current system still works and that I’ve ferried the correct number of you to my former masters down in Illusia, and a sufficient number of your souls back to Illyria. However, A’H apparently doesn’t agree – for It (and yes “It” is the correct pronoun for A’H) has a bit of a problem with the current system – and since It is the Master of the Universe (at least for now), when A’H talks, the rest of us have to listen.

As it turns out, A’H is rather peeved that so many of you people are getting sent to Illusia and that fewer and fewer of you are being taken by me to Illyria. So A’H asked [read: commanded] me to visit you now – prior to your death — to offer you some insights that may allow you to change your final fate. And since most of you are on a path towards spending eternity ‘in the fires,’ if that’s not what you want, then perhaps you should listen up.

Do I really think you will be successful?

Ha, not a chance! I’ve lived in your world too long. I KNOW you. No matter what I say, you’ll continue to make the same mistakes. After all, poor choices are your birthright — and I’ve witnessed every last one of them.

The fact is that you will fail (again). Then I probably will get blamed (again). And then A’H will once again say that my Penance must continue. It’s a tired, played-out game, but alas I have no choice but to continue. 

You think I’m making all this up? You don’t believe I can save you?

That’s OK.

I expected as much from you.

Nevertheless, A’H has faith that you can still learn, and It insists that I work with you on this.

Amazingly, despite A’H’s reputation for micro-management, It has left it up to me to decide how best to handle this project. And while I don’t really think it matters what I do, I’m going to give it the old college-try as you say, and do my best to enlighten you.

What’s in it for me?

Why must you think I have an ulterior motive? That’s just like your kind – always believing the worst in others. Well, if you must know, I DO have my eyes on a nice little prize – FREEDOM – an escape thru the impenetrable firmament if you will. 

See, the thing is, I wouldn’t be here had it not been for a slight miscalculation on my part at a rather crucial moment in history – an unfortunate little blunder that, well let’s just say, got me stuck with you here under this dome. It’s a story you’ll learn in a bit. But for now, what’s important to understand is that, finally, A’H has decided to offer me my own redemption…

And saving YOU is the way I can escape my fate and finally find peace.

As you can see, we’re in this together. I’m here to help you, but I need you to pay attention, and most importantly, to change your ways! 

With that in mind, let me tell you a tale – actually a series of tales – an ‘apocrypha’ if you will. And since we both know that wisdom is in rather short supply in today’s world, I’ve decided to take you back to The Time Before – to a period of history that’s been long since lost to you.

You’ll view this collection of yarns as something ‘fresh and new’  – and perhaps that will make you pay attention. And don’t worry, I know how your kind craves fluff, so let me assure you that the story is filled with all the cliches you love. You’ll find inspiring heroes (both male and female), cruel villains (myself proudly among their ranks), and an array of those weird mythical creatures you love so much.

But don’t let the familiarity with such archetypes fool you — that’s where the warm and fuzziness ends. People die – lots of them. Love is lost. Lessons aren’t learned. Evil sometimes wins. 

In short, my tales are not just fantasy, they are reality. More importantly, this isn’t a bedtime story meant to sing you to sleep; I’m trying to save your soul here – so wake up!

It’s time you knew the truth about a few things. For starters allow me to open your eyes to the web of lies you’ve been subjected to for thousands of years. For example, pick a holy book, whichever one you want. 

Have one in mind? Good, I say it’s garbage. That’s right – pure fiction.

How can I be so sure? Because I was there, people! I’ve lived through history, ALL of your history, first hand. Would you rather rely on the word of an actual eye-witness who lived these events, or would you prefer to continue to put your faith in words written by unknown authors, most of whom wrote about events they’d only heard of through others, and whose work was in turn later rewritten over and again by translators who used said ‘holy’ books merely to further their own designs (most of which involved a play for more money, more power, and more often than not both!

Why do you trust them? Because your religious leaders said so?

Friends, you are being duped by charlatans (and remember, I know a thing or two about that game). Stop being a fool. Open your eyes and see the truth. Listen to me instead – after all, unlike your false prophets, I desire neither money nor fame. I have no agenda.

I merely speak the truth — and my truth will set you free!

If you care to listen, all the better, if not, that’s on you.

With that in mind, let’s begin by setting the record straight about something most of you have gotten horribly (and quite comically) wrong –The (True) Story of Creation…